Yesterday, I came up against the passion and the idealism, the anger at injustices done in the world and the frustration of complacency, and the disappointment of someone I love and cherish. It was not the first time and yet I found myself no better equipped to respond adequately than in the past. When emotions are fired up in a loved one and you get in the firing line, it often triggers your own emotional pathways as well, even when you know in your heart that the anger is not about you, not really.

So here we were, from a news item on the TV, followed by some comments, to this. My first reaction was to placate, only to meet judgement and criticism, which in turn triggered my defence and denial. As usual, this did not help the situation either.

Within the next microsecond, I was heading along one of two well-developed emotional pathways. We tend to be vulnerable to the ones we love. So, before I knew it, I let it get to me and allowed the implication that I was ignorant, ill informed, complacent and a disappointment, to take its hold.

Now this story is not about who was right or wrong – as if there is an answer to that. This story is about how very quickly our well-developed neural pathways (emotional and thinking habits) are triggered. You don’t immediately recognise the unfolding of your emotions and thinking – not while you are still in the situation. Within a hundredth of a second a reaction is triggered – faster than the analysing, logical part of our brain can respond. By that time, the whole of our body has reacted and we are in fight/flight with our emotions having the upper hand. So, as I withdrew, my own ‘stuff’ came up and I was already having thoughts about not being able to respond effectively, not being intelligent enough, about my thoughts and opinions not counting. {Now I want to make a point here. None of this was true! It was just thoughts, and it was just old stuff}.

I did what many people do, I started to make my own meaning of the whole event and, of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the original discussion, the state of the world, corruption or Australia. With my emotions and thinking unchecked the meaning I was making of it was fairly negative.

It was not long before practice and training took over and little logical thoughts emerged. “Wait! Wait a minute!” clanged in my head. There is usually a window of opportunity where we have a choice whether to allow our emotional and thinking habits to run the show or not. This was mine.

I realised that the most important thing in all of this, the priority, was not what was said or felt or who was at fault. The most important thing, the base from which all interactions grow, was not our relationship but my relationship with myself, and it was the same for them. What was I doing to myself? What was I saying to myself? Where was the part of me that is able to hold my centre? Was I showing myself understanding, compassion, support and trust? Were my words and actions both inside and outside of myself in alignment with my purpose and values? {Referencing this sort of event through your purpose is a very useful tool.}

I had not taken the learning from earlier experiences. In my rush to connect and make things better, I had not centred myself. I had forgotten about the parts of me that could be so easily triggered and hurt and they had taken over on their own and run their story.

So, I invited myself within and cared for and guided myself in the same way I often do for others. For if I cannot do it for myself; if I cannot invite forward and connect with all the parts of myself, the parts that are fearful, the angry parts, even those that frustrate or disappoint me; if I cannot hold myself with love and compassion and create harmony within myself, then how can I possibly hope to respond effectively? If I do not take that window of opportunity and weaken that neural pathway, then how can I hope that others could do the same?

I was reminded of the saying that I have seen attributed variously to Hermetic and Vedic texts, “As within, so without”.