“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” Albert Einstein

Do you take notice of coincidences when they appear in your life? I tend to because I have found there is always something of benefit waiting (wanting?) to be found.

My last blog was called “What do you do when you are uncomfortable?” It was about how, in some areas of our lives, we tend to avoid feeling discomfort or stress whether it is in exercise, situations or relationships. It pointed to the benefit of facing, pushing into and learning from the discomfort, stress or pain before choosing what action to take.

Within a few weeks of writing that blog, I experienced two completely different events that brought this tendency we have to avoid or minimise back into the forefront of my mind.

First, I observed a dramatic example of someone avoiding difficult emotions, both their own and other’s. It was uncomfortable for everyone and a situation that needed to be worked through but this person literally ran away.

Then, I received a blog written by Dr Ginny Whitelaw, a leadership expert and Zen Master, called “Taking Ownership: How we avoid it and How Zen tackles avoidance”. She was writing from a different perspective, focusing on leadership and global issues, and giving examples of how managers and leaders avoid situations that are or might be uncomfortable. But it was the same theme and the truth is, in our personal lives we are all offered opportunities to show leadership simply by the choices we make when faced with stressful situations, relationships, or even as we exercise. She wrote, “The problem with avoidance is that the problem doesn’t go away. Indeed, these wired-in tendencies to make easy choices have consequences –“

Were these 2 events coincidences that were worth taking notice of? I thought about what meaning I wanted to make of them. Was there more for me to learn about how I avoided discomfort or stress, or was it about expanding my writing and teaching around this? Both, I decided. I have found that learning and teaching are on the same trajectory – one is always informing the other.

The point is we all have “these wired-in tendencies”. In some way, big or small, in some aspect of our lives we make choices that try to minimise or avoid our discomfort or stress. It is a defence mechanism, designed to protect us from discomfort or pain, triggered when we perceive difficulty, stress or danger.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to recognise these hard-wired habits, in myself and in others. These are just a few examples that I noticed: putting off what could be a difficult discussion; automatically denying and pushing down any anger or upset when asked if you are okay; hitting out with hurtful statements; avoiding the discomfort of taking ownership of one’s own part in a situation by blaming others or talking endlessly about our “rightness”; putting off exercising or improving a diet; engaging in “retail therapy”; putting off changing that job or finding a new one; and taking the easy choices instead of doing the more difficult things to reduce energy usage, carbon emissions or waste.

Two things became clear. Firstly, these tendencies do have consequences, either directly or indirectly, on all of our relationships. They impact on our relationship with ourselves, with other people and with the world around us. They can lead to misunderstandings and disconnection. Secondly, awareness is the first step. Sometimes we know we are making these choices but cannot help ourselves or aren’t aware that there will be consequences. More often, we do not stop to see that we even had a choice.

Albert Einstein believed that “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”. Without naming and facing these tendencies, we can’t begin to see the hidden opportunity that lies in our stress, discomfort or difficulty. That is what I will write about next. For now, see this as an invitation to take the first step. Just begin by noticing what you do when you see difficulty or when you start to feel uncomfortable.