At the end of my last blog, I said that I would write about why women tend to be better at relationships than men. This seemed an appropriate thing to talk about because I am teaching a workshop on the 9^th August.

It is a workshop for women, called Free Yourself and Connect: A Whole of Life Approach to Improving Relationships. You can read more about it here.

I’ll be honest; at the time I worded it that way because I wanted to catch your attention and, perhaps, trigger some thought on it. I suspect, that many women, because of their own experience, might agree. However, trying to categorise human beings is always tricky, because each individual is unique. So, if you ask is this true; it is always a “maybe yes, maybe no”/”it depends” answer. This is why I used the word ‘tend’.

Relationships are at the very core of who we are and how we live our lives but many of you may have observed that men and women look at relationships and the world differently.

Let me give you an example. A group of young mothers with their babies and toddlers meet for an exercise class in the park opposite our house once a week. They get into a circle and there is a lot of discussion and chatting as they go through some gentle movement and stretches. My son was visiting me on a day when they were in the park and he observed them as we sat on the veranda drinking our coffee. Finally, unimpressed with the intensity of their exercising, he asked, “What are they doing?”

This difference is best understood by looking through the lens of the feminine and masculine traits or types rather than comparing males and females. Feminine and masculine traits exist in both men and women but present differently in each individual. There are many factors that contribute to this, much like the different personality types in the Enneagram. The unique presentation of the masculine and feminine within any personality type contributes to each person’s individuality.

It is important to understand that both masculine and feminine traits have value depending on what is needed at the time. It is a difference in orientation in the way in which we relate to ourselves, with each other and with the world around us.

As a general overview, Masculine traits or type are more oriented towards doing and having control over the external world. So this includes:

• A results/goal and solution orientation with emphasis on doing rather than being and feeling
• Autonomy – a desire to act without interference
• Independence – attempting to act free from influence

Whereas, relating, connecting with and nurturing others is the defining drive of the Feminine type and includes:

• Strength through sharing and exchanging important thoughts, feelings and experiences
• Interdependence – self-worth, influence and power, in many ways, is seen as coming from connection to others
• Fullness and completeness is found in relationships, connection, emotional expression and feeling.

So my reply to my son was, “They are connecting. They are just choosing to be outside and move rather than to sit down inside while they are connecting.”

Although men tend to more easily access the masculine traits and women the feminine, we all can access both. There is a continuum of expression from the masculine to the feminine type in each of us. If not balanced and moderated, both types can tend towards unhealthy presentations and unhealthy relationships at either end of the spectrum.

For example, the masculine trait of results/goal orientation, if not balanced, can lead to the goal being the only thing that can be seen and being prepared to do anything to achieve that result including control and aggression. One outcome is that people can be hurt as their needs and desires are ignored or trampled on, another is war. The feminine trait of strength through relating and connecting becomes unhealthy when it leads to a fear of being alone and being unable to function outside of a relationship. One outcome is people who, despite a number of failed relationships, rush into the next one. Their fear makes them unable to stand back and take the time to understand what it is that keeps recreating this experience.

Try this: consider the masculine and feminine traits and get a sense of which traits you value and which you rely on and use in your own life.

When I first studied these different traits, I was surprised to realise that, for most of my life I had tended to rely on and value the masculine traits within myself, or more accurately, the masculine power system. This was a reflection of my personality and upbringing and Western culture including the feminist “I am woman hear me roar” movement of my youth. Although the feminine traits within me drove my mothering and my relationships, I did not value these in the same way. In fact, I did not understand their real value or power when developed in a healthy and balanced way.

To a large degree, most of the world functions within a masculine power system. The feminine traits have not been truly valued– not seen as equally important to develop as the drive for success, achievement and financial growth. There is much to be learnt and understood about the power and value of the feminine traits. Balance is needed.

The fact is that women do have an innate drive to relate and connect. I believe that it is important not only for ourselves but also for the future of our children that we discover ways of relating and connecting more skilfully, taking a Whole of Life perspective, in order to create a healthy and balanced way of functioning in our world.

We do have the capacity to make a difference directly and through a ripple effect:

• With our families and in our homes
• In our workplace
• In our community and with our friends
• In the world around us
• To our children and our loved ones
• To ourselves.

 “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” Mother Teresa

If anything has come up for you that you would like to share, leave a comment or send me a message.