A Letter to My Sister

Two months ago, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a shock to her and to us all. Our extended family has experienced more than our fair share of loss and difficulties in recent years. As she began her long journey of chemotherapy and radiotherapy and we talked almost daily, I knew that this was completely new territory for her and for all of us. When things became very difficult for her, I realised that if I was going to be of any help, I had to learn and understand and shift my thinking and my emotions.

This letter came from that. She is my greatest supporter and I publish it with her encouragement and her blessing, in the hope that it may be of some help to others.

To my dear Sister,

About the Hero’s Journey:

In everybody’s life there will be times when we are forced, by situations or events, to take a journey not of our choosing. It is a journey of healing.

Many things can trigger a healing journey and cancer is the one that is on my mind. Serious illness or injury, or devastating loss can also be the starting point. Challenging and difficult events in life, as you and I have discovered, always offer an opportunity for learning and growth.

You were better prepared than most when this journey came along. You already understood much about growing and learning from life’s curly events and situations. You have the blessing of a dynamic and loving relationship with a supportive and terrific husband, and you have caring children. You have a good sense of humour and you are strong and resilient.

Yet, I felt your struggle to hold onto positive thoughts in the face of the uncertainty, the discomfort and fatigue, and especially the severe pain that unfolded. As you pulled yourself back up each time, you showed me that sometimes the best you can do is just to survive.

While there is no doubt that there lies in this an opportunity to learn and grow, it is clear to me that it needs to be put into a proper context. Your experience cannot be understated or oversimplified. There is no getting it right, doing it perfectly or pushing to take the learning. I do not see this journey of yours as a tragedy because that would make you a victim and helpless, and you are definitely not that. At its very essence, your journey is more heroic, more like the stuff of a hero’s tale, with danger and difficulty as well as opportunity.

I think of the countless others who have been forced to travel a similar path and I wonder if they and those around them saw this in their journey.

When I shared with you this perspective on your experience, you got it and I felt the shift inside you. This is because the hero’s journey, whether undertaken by male or female, is an archetypical story and different versions of it have been told (and lived) down through the centuries. There are many elements in a hero’s journey that are relevant to a healing journey.

A hero’s journey is always scary, challenging and painful (mentally and emotionally as well as physically). And it can be lonely. It seems to me that you are this lone rider out in front and I am one of your support team following along behind. This journey is scary for us too. We can care for you but we aren’t doing the same journey as you. We can’t really know what it is like. However, markers left by earlier heroes are really helpful and I am interested to learn what markers you would leave for others.

This type of journey asks a lot of you. Even though you have always been a bit of a warrior, it is asking more of you than just the ability to be brave and to fight. There will be battles but there is more to a hero’s life and story than fighting. “Being brave” only allows us to avoid feeling and facing our fears and it can hide or distract us from discovering what really needs to be understood.

Life is always uncertain but when you are on a hero’s journey, the uncertainty can no longer be denied or hidden. It is right there in front of you. A hero’s journey asks you to draw deeply from within yourself, to feel your fear, your anger and your grief, and to find your courage.

Despite the difficulties, there is much to be gained on a hero’s journey. As the journey unfolds there are always discoveries along the way. The real treasure lies in self-discovery, who you are, what is important to you and what you are capable of. You also get to discover things about life and about other people. And there is another gain – your journey gives others the opportunity for their own growth and learning.

At some point in the journey, a hero may discover that they have been carrying too much. It is possible to lighten your load. Often under stress, everything comes up – all the past hurts and misunderstandings, responsibilities that really belong to others, resentment and the inner clutter of thinking and emotions. When you avoid expressing the emotions that come up and push them back down, you are still carrying them inside you. A hero will find the tools that allow them to put down, let go and leave behind what they no longer need to carry.

There is an important element of a hero’s story, which can be lost in the narrative. Somewhere along the journey, the hero has to learn to believe in and be true to him or herself. A point is reached where you have to start to value you and your life as highly as you value anyone else. A hero may love and trust others but at its essence, the hero’s journey is an inner journey. Genuine love and trust for self and life, is at the heart, quite literally, of a hero’s tale. The self-care and nurturing that flows from that, is at the core of a healing journey.

No matter what comes up along the way, a hero makes his or her own choices. This doesn’t mean you are on your own. It means you have to do what is right for you and don’t do what is not right for you.

This is what you’ve told me that you have discovered so far:

• Be attuned to your body. Listen to your body and act on what is right for you. The body is intelligent and you’ve found you can rely on your body to tell you what it needs.
• You found it is important to lovingly receive and gratefully accept what others offer you. Being able to fully receive from others is actually providing value to them.
• You discovered that to truly feel and authenticate your affirmations, your self-care and nurturing, you needed to engage your body in the process, using actions and movement as you speak. This is an important discovery because the body and the mind are one. Thinking and speaking are only one part of the human equation. Your inner experience is key to this journey and your thinking and your emotions happen inside your body.

Your sister in life and love,

Judy

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.”

– Joseph Campbell