More accurately – Are you willing to make what appear to be mistakes, so that you can make corrections and learn?

This is the third in a series of posts that I have written about our wired-in tendencies to avoid feeling discomfort or stress. In my last post, “Do you take notice of coincidences?” I finished with an important quote from Albert Einstein “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”. I invited people to take the first step in discovering the hidden opportunity that lies in our stress, discomfort or difficulty. The first step was to start noticing what you do when you see difficulty or feel uncomfortable. I promised to follow up with another post.

I had people say to me that, as soon as they finished reading the second blog they wanted to read my next. I deliberately waited because, often, when we start noticing the hard-wired habits we have, it is enough. It can be both challenging and enlightening, and the learning and what needs to be done comes naturally or, with a little thought, is clear. So the heavy lifting can be in the first step.

However, the cursed “how” and “but” can get in the way and feed the avoidance habit. How can I feel better? How do I deal with this? But I have always run from difficulty. But it isn’t my fault so why should I be the one to do anything? Or whatever version fits the situation.

When I started thinking about what I should write, it became a bit like – how far down the rabbit hole do you want to go? It is a subject that links into so many areas, I could almost write a book. But that is not my purpose here. So I thought I would just offer some ideas for you to play with.

There are four steps that I would like to share with you. They stand up well against the examples I gave in my previous blog. They help deal with these hard-wired habits and the consequences that go with them. And you could find the hidden opportunity that lies in the middle of your difficulty, through any of these steps. They are clarity, courage, connection and correction.

Clarity

When we are in a reactive state, acting out or out of our hard-wired tendencies, wisdom has been taken out of the equation. You need wisdom to act skilfully. It is an internal state accessed when you move from a reactive, unconscious state of mind to one of conscious awareness. Wisdom needs clarity.

So difficult situations, difficult emotions always need clarity. What I’m talking about here is perspective and understanding. Do you understand what is really happening around you and in you? And, if other people are involved, do you understand their perspective as well? Clarity emerges as you begin understanding your needs and fears and theirs, responsibility and acceptance and much, much more than I can cover here.

Getting real perspective and understanding can be challenging because it can be hidden from us, we are not aware of them. It is hard to see what you can’t see. This is when we need someone to help.

If we are to find clarity and the opportunity in our difficulties we all need someone in our lives who speaks their truth without judgement. Someone who doesn’t just agree with us or rush to make us feel better. Yet at the same time, can measure when we need care and time to lick our wounds, and when we need to move – to wake up and grow up. It is called a growth relationship.

Courage

When we get really clear, we often find that what lies beneath these avoidance habits is fear. To take the next step we need to have courage. Courage should not be confused with “being brave”. Being brave often allows us to bypass clarity and avoid facing our fear and so bury it deeper where it can become even stronger.

Courage has a different hue. It is about working with your fear and moving forward skilfully. It is about understanding and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

Psychotherapist and author, Stephanie Dowrick, wrote about courage in her book “Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love”. She sums it up very well, “We long for a trouble-free Eden, for ourselves and even more for our children. But they will learn courage after they leave Eden, not before, and they will learn it through their engagement with living, not through avoidance”.

Connection

This is a crucial component in moving forward skilfully. Connection is a primary and core need of every human being. Where a connection exists, there is a relationship. Yet we pay little conscious attention to actively connecting with other people or the world around us, let alone with ourselves.

It is probably best explained using examples. First of all let’s look at keeping an honest, caring connection with ourselves. In the case of ‘pushing into the discomfort of exercise’, which I wrote about in my first blog, this type of connection means we can trust ourselves to go that bit further and get the advantage of the exercise without pulling back or going too far. In the case of ‘avoiding the discomfort of taking ownership of our responsibility’, connecting with that part of ourselves that sees but does not judge, allows us to move beyond the discomfort, to act with courage and to heal.

If we look at situations that include other people, such as avoiding difficult discussions, there are two ways to create connection. One is externally, with honesty and care, finding a way that a connection can be established before we have the discussion. The other is internal, subtler and requires more skill. Briefly, it involves engaging your heart and mind in an energetic connection with the other person, beyond your and their ego-based defences. It may seem a bit odd, but it never ceases to amaze me how powerful this can be.

Correction

When we stop avoiding and start taking action, even if we act skilfully, we are exposed to a level of uncertainty, especially when other people are involved. It is why clarity, courage and connection are such important steps. And, in order to make corrections, they may need to be revisited.

Are you willing to make corrections as you go along (make mistakes and then correct)?

If you are, then the rewards (especially emotionally and mentally) can be really significant.

“If you tell me you understand, I feel a little pessimistic. If you tell me you do not understand, I feel a little more optimistic” Thich Nhat Hanh

Every time I have to make corrections, I actually understand a little more.

Let me know how you go!

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” Albert Einstein

Do you take notice of coincidences when they appear in your life? I tend to because I have found there is always something of benefit waiting (wanting?) to be found.

My last blog was called “What do you do when you are uncomfortable?” It was about how, in some areas of our lives, we tend to avoid feeling discomfort or stress whether it is in exercise, situations or relationships. It pointed to the benefit of facing, pushing into and learning from the discomfort, stress or pain before choosing what action to take.

Within a few weeks of writing that blog, I experienced two completely different events that brought this tendency we have to avoid or minimise back into the forefront of my mind.

First, I observed a dramatic example of someone avoiding difficult emotions, both their own and other’s. It was uncomfortable for everyone and a situation that needed to be worked through but this person literally ran away.

Then, I received a blog written by Dr Ginny Whitelaw, a leadership expert and Zen Master, called “Taking Ownership: How we avoid it and How Zen tackles avoidance”. She was writing from a different perspective, focusing on leadership and global issues, and giving examples of how managers and leaders avoid situations that are or might be uncomfortable. But it was the same theme and the truth is, in our personal lives we are all offered opportunities to show leadership simply by the choices we make when faced with stressful situations, relationships, or even as we exercise. She wrote, “The problem with avoidance is that the problem doesn’t go away. Indeed, these wired-in tendencies to make easy choices have consequences –“

Were these 2 events coincidences that were worth taking notice of? I thought about what meaning I wanted to make of them. Was there more for me to learn about how I avoided discomfort or stress, or was it about expanding my writing and teaching around this? Both, I decided. I have found that learning and teaching are on the same trajectory – one is always informing the other.

The point is we all have “these wired-in tendencies”. In some way, big or small, in some aspect of our lives we make choices that try to minimise or avoid our discomfort or stress. It is a defence mechanism, designed to protect us from discomfort or pain, triggered when we perceive difficulty, stress or danger.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to recognise these hard-wired habits, in myself and in others. These are just a few examples that I noticed: putting off what could be a difficult discussion; automatically denying and pushing down any anger or upset when asked if you are okay; hitting out with hurtful statements; avoiding the discomfort of taking ownership of one’s own part in a situation by blaming others or talking endlessly about our “rightness”; putting off exercising or improving a diet; engaging in “retail therapy”; putting off changing that job or finding a new one; and taking the easy choices instead of doing the more difficult things to reduce energy usage, carbon emissions or waste.

Two things became clear. Firstly, these tendencies do have consequences, either directly or indirectly, on all of our relationships. They impact on our relationship with ourselves, with other people and with the world around us. They can lead to misunderstandings and disconnection. Secondly, awareness is the first step. Sometimes we know we are making these choices but cannot help ourselves or aren’t aware that there will be consequences. More often, we do not stop to see that we even had a choice.

Albert Einstein believed that “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”. Without naming and facing these tendencies, we can’t begin to see the hidden opportunity that lies in our stress, discomfort or difficulty. That is what I will write about next. For now, see this as an invitation to take the first step. Just begin by noticing what you do when you see difficulty or when you start to feel uncomfortable.

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problem.” Mahatma Ghandi

When I was at a Pilates class recently, the physiotherapist told me to keep going until the muscles I was working on fatigued. Over the years I have trained with fitness trainers and I was familiar with the “no pain no gain” approach, so I pushed until the muscles stung and quivered. There is always this light-hearted banter in our group about what a hard taskmaster she is. To be fair, she explained that it was at that point of fatigue or “stress” that the most benefit was gained. The quote from Ghandi came to my mind and triggered some thinking about our general tendency to avoid discomfort and stress.

I was discussing this with a fitness trainer and he commented that, the reluctance to push until fatigued was the reason many people do not make the fitness progress they are capable of (or want). For example, walking regularly is good exercise but if you do not set a pace that leaves you somewhat short of breath, you are unlikely to improve your cardio-vascular fitness. Do we need trainers to get us to that point of fatigue and discomfort because many of us are unlikely to get there on our own?

This is about the connection between our physical body and our thinking and emotions. The discomfort we feel as we approach a state of fatigue is feedback that we are taking this particular part of our bodies beyond what is comfortable. Generally speaking, if we don’t like it or if we don’t have a compelling reason to keep going, we stop. It is our thinking and emotions, not our body, that stop us from pushing into the point of discomfort that is needed for real progress or improvement.

Just to be clear here, I am not talking about exercising to the point of injury. There are some of us who can push too far and too hard. I am referring to the tendency to protect ourselves from discomfort or stress, by stopping or easing back, before the benefit has been gained.

There are powerful lessons here for other areas of our lives.

 We seem to have developed this belief that things should not be uncomfortable. Stress or discomfort is seen as “bad” while being comfortable as “good”. When an event or relationship triggers stress or discomfort (sometimes just feeling terrible/bad/wrong or able to name emotions such as angry, sad, frustrated, indignant), we automatically act to shift or relieve that feeling. It is about bringing ourselves back into our comfort zone but it may not be consciously choosing to do that. We use all sorts of techniques and habits such as distraction or dulling our minds, ringing someone who will agree with us, or acting out our anger or self-pity. Of course, just like exercising within your comfort zone, nothing really improves. The feeling may shift but sooner or later, it comes back.

So what does this mean? Well, for one thing, stress and discomfort are feedback. They are neither good nor bad – that is just the meaning you put on the experience. The feedback is – “you are out of your comfort zone” and probably at a point where there is a benefit, an opportunity for learning or growth. So, when you feel stress or discomfort, whether it is from a situation, a relationship or when exercising, try facing it and looking for the opportunity. Seek to understand what it is about (there is often something we can’t see in the moment), if necessary seek advice and clarity, not just comfort, and then choose what you are going to do.

Finally, to return to my original thought, we are always capable of going further than we thought we could. Without realising it, we have placed our own limitations on what we think we are capable of. So for everyone, in some area of your life – you know the one; there is always more, more of you, more in you and more for you.

The other afternoon, I met with a group of like-minded women. We meet because we are interested in personal learning and growth, using the Enneagram as our common base. Each time, a topic is offered for discussion by one of the group. On this day, the topic was self-inquiry and the role of the Enneagram. As our group is made up of both enthusiastic students and accredited teachers, you might think that the conclusion would be both obvious and simple. After all, the Enneagram is a master tool for understanding one’s self, offering a powerful and well researched map of 9 personality types that can accommodate the uniqueness of the individual and the impact of a particular situation. [Note: for those who are unfamiliar with this valuable tool and would like to know more, go to Enneagram World Wide.]

Despite this, what unfolded was a much broader discussion, looking at the nature of self-inquiry and touching on its value. For me, these are important issues for anyone wanting to grow beyond the misunderstandings we experience in our relationships, the discomfort and unhappiness that can get triggered in our day-to-day life, the stress that can accumulate or the limitations of and doubts about our capacities and value.

I thought I’d share with you a brief overview of our discussion and expand on some aspects a little further.

What is meant by self-inquiry? This is not a New Age concept. The idea has been understood and practised in both the Western and Eastern traditions for centuries. The quote “Know thy self” is from Socrates and it has been a practice of the Vedantic tradition (originating in India) for even longer. For our discussion, we were talking about the willingness to go inside to examine our inner experiences so as to better understand and know ourselves. This is not always easy. It takes courage to be willing to look at ourselves, as we truly are, warts and all as they say. It is a process of reflection, bringing the quality of curiosity, suspending judgement and simply accepting what you see. After all, we are all in the same boat – for each of us; our life has brought us to this point, to where we are and how we are.

What is the purpose of self-inquiry? There was recognition among the group that the reason for self-inquiry was to enable personal growth but I think there is something more that comes first. Self-inquiry allows us to see things more clearly, to see not only how we are creating our lives but also much more than that. It allows us to Wake Up.

What is the nature of self-inquiry? Put simply, there are different levels or layers of self-inquiry and there are some very good tools and practices to support the process. What I am talking about is not limiting yourself to investigating your thinking and emotions, which is where most tend to focus. Rather, see yourself as a whole, inquiring at a physical, thinking, emotional, life purpose (why am I here) and, ultimately, spiritual (who am I truly) level.

Let me briefly explain what I mean. Inquiring at a physical level (from our bodies) helps us to understand ourselves better and provides information we can use to guide us. It is the conduit for all self-inquiry. It could simply be, checking in how does the body feel right now? What does it need? Oh, I am feeling tired and I need to make sure I stop and rest so that I can sustain what I have to do. Or going deeper, there may be a recognition that this tiredness is a way of distracting myself, and so on….. but, as they say on TV, there is more, there is much more that is available from our bodies and from working with our bodies. Two particular areas need mention here – emotions and inquiring into the deepest level of the heart.

The body is tightly connected to our thinking and our emotions, to the extent that they actually operate as one entity. Emotions are presented physically and everyone experiences the full range of emotions in different parts of their body and in their own way. When you understand your presentation of particular emotional reactions, you have some very valuable information to work with. As a simple example, someone may experience anger as a tight clenching in the gut and it can become an early warning system. Ok, I can feel anger coming up and I don’t want to loose it right now. Take a deep breath and wait a second.

Inquiring into our thinking and emotional patterns, and the tendencies and habits that result, is fundamental to freeing ourselves from limiting behaviour. It also offers us the possibility of observing these patterns and tendencies, which releases us from being caught up in them and being defined by them. They are not who we truly are. This is a key teaching of Helen Palmer. Both Shadow Work and the Enneagram are powerful tools for inquiring into emotional and thinking patterns, which is why I include them in my workshops.

Inquiring into the fundamental questions of our existence, who am I and why am I here, helps us to unfold our full potential and purpose and, most significantly, to know our true self. There are processes and long established practices that support inquiry at this level and these are also taught in my workshops.

Someone in our group raised the question “Can there be too much self-inquiry, too much growth?” For me, the answer is both yes and no. No, because both self-inquiry and growth are not destinations, rather they create a journey in which there is always more; more of you, in you and for you than you could ever imagine. However, yes is also true, because there are physiological, neurological and psychological reasons for us to have periods of consolidation, of just living and being. As you go along, if you are listening to yourself, the whole of yourself, you will sense, feel, recognise or know when those times have arrived.

I’ll finish with a quote from Lord Chesterfield, a wise father, in a letter to his son, June 6, 1751. “Study the heart and the mind of man, and begin with your own. Meditation and reflection must lay the foundation of that knowledge, but experience and practice must, and alone can, complete it.” (the bold is my own emphasis)

My son’s little dog has broken her leg. She goes to “doggy day-care” a couple times a week and she jumped awkwardly from the back of the van. It was a bad break at the bottom of her back leg and the vet put a caste on (its pink!) that covers the whole leg.  As a Maltese terrier mix, she loves to run and is surprisingly fast for such a little dog.

As soon as the swelling went down she was getting around their flat as normal with the caste thump, thumping on the floor as she went. What surprised my son and his wife was that when they took her for a walk, she wanted to run. She just lifted up the leg with the caste on it and took off at her normal pace, running on 3 legs.

My daughter-in-law was amazed that their little dog just seemed to be getting on as if everything was normal and the caste was just a part of her.

The thought that popped immediately into my head was “yes that’s because she doesn’t attach any meaning to it.” When I said it, my husband (a doctor) commented that it was the same for little children. They automatically modify their movement to accommodate the caste and get around as if it was not an impediment or problem.

It’s interesting isn’t it how the meaning we make of a situation can impact on our lives? How often do we automatically attach a meaning to an event or situation without realising that’s what we have done, let alone challenging if that is the only meaning or if it is a useful one? That then becomes our perception or the lens through which we look at what’s happening. With their little dog, they had attached more than one meaning to it. It was “terrible for her”, and “a worry, a difficulty”. But this little dog, the one with the broken leg, attached no meaning to it. Once the pain had gone, she just got on with “it” in her life.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we should defer to the way dog’s live for higher wisdom and guidance but I have found that there is always some learning we can take from animals and the natural world.

It reminded me of a recent conversation.  I was talking to someone who is planning to move to another country. They were lamenting the difficulties, time and how “painful” it was to apply for and get the necessary visas etc from that country. When faced with dealing with something we tend to give it a “label” and that label reflects the meaning we attach to that situation.

I was struck then by how the meaning we make of the events in our lives can create or make worse an environment of stress. Yes, visa applications do present specific challenges; they take time and effort and may force people to reassess their plans.  But, it is up to us whether we decide to “label” it as a difficult and stressful situation or whether we choose to attach a different meaning.

The trick is to check, “What meaning am I going to make of it?” and “Does this allow me to accept it for what it is and help me move forward?” For example, you could choose to label it as the start of an incredible adventure. They got it straight away.

It seems that the meaning we make of events and circumstances in our lives actually has the greatest impact on our experiences. We actually do have a choice. We can choose to see that “It is what it is”. It is just an event until we attach our meaning to it. This is called the “is-ness” of life.

I am reminded of a quote that I use when I am teaching people about working with stress.

“It is not the potential stressor itself but how you perceive it and then how you handle it that will determine whether or not it will lead to stress” – Dr Martin Seligman

So, stuff happens. This triggers our thinking and emotional patterns and habits and they drive the meaning we make of it. We are on “autopilot” and unaware that it is a matter of choice.  We can choose a different meaning.

Perhaps it is not so much a matter of not attaching a meaning. It is more a matter of deciding what meaning because that will determine how you feel, what you do and where your life takes you.